WWE Royal Rumble results (2025) and commentary from Danny Damage!

Previously On…

For now, the Royal Rumble is only a one-night event…that is until The Greed Monster becomes unbearable and WWE turns the Premium Live Event into a two-nighter.

Although there are already 10 visible sponsors involved in the show, WWE has spoiled one of their recent improvements to the promotion, by attaching someone else’s company name to the “Superstar Arrival” segment.

It’s right around here that I’d make a joke about Triple H letting more people stick it in him than Bonnie Blue and that he may as well wear crotchless panties to save time, but there’ll be no way of proving that as he will have sold them too before the night’s out.

[Yes, I’m aware Triple H isn’t the ultimate be-all-and-end-all at the WWE, but he’s the (corporate) face of the company and the recipient of numerous self-written congratulatory cards, so it’s only fair he takes the criticism on the nose too!]

As per usual with these gimmicked PLEs, I’m going to point out how counterproductive it is to open the show with the same specialist match type as the main event. If WWE can’t just decide to use the Royal Rumble to advance only a men’s or a women’s storyline, and give the others the night off, let’s open the show with a battle royal or something instead. At least then it’s more like a warm-up or a tease before the final match, instead of eating a steak starter course before a steak main.

WWE Royal Rumble Results (2025)

The statistics on screen were rarely a net benefit, for the most part, they were too much. There’s already enough to see on our TV during a Royal Rumble match, there’s no need for video game adverts mostly pointless stats.

During both Rumbles the crowd were distractingly keen for the chance to count down from ten to one and to look away from the action in the ring. I’m fully aware that this was always supposed to add to the chaotic nature of the match, but there was no inner conflict around which was the most important part to look at. It was like a switch being flipped once the countdown appeared on the screen and the fans visibly lost full interest in the wrestling as they turned to face the ramp. It felt a bit disjointed, like the Thunderdome and some of the older video games.

The table team did a good job of explaining the different elements of the Rumble match and the mindsets of the competitors. Pat McAfee got a turn at being the one to break the fourth wall in the dumb narrated cold open video, but at least he might go away now that the big show in his home town is done.

Apologies if it was me, but I may have summoned Stephanie McMahon on the DrHUGEShow last week. Basically, Steph did Triple H’s “Welcome-ah, to tonight’s show-ah, are you ready for a night full of adverts-ah?” while gauging if the crowd are ready to see her on a regular basis yet.

Lastly, before we get started, these are just thoughts and notes. I’m not going to detail every single thing that happened in the unnecessarily chaotically multi-layered Royal Rumble matches with their needing to try and get the action from the ring, the ramp, the stat graphics, the sponsors, and sometimes other stuff happening on the outside all at once and turning it to mush.

Women’s Royal Rumble

Winner: Charlotte Flair (obviously)

Io Sky and Mid Morgan started things off. Tyra Valkyria’s initial flurry was awkwardly derailed when her top decided it was going to keep falling open. She got back on the horse, but the stumble was unfortunate.

I could tell WWE wasn’t flooding this one with every legend/nostalgia nugget they could find, as B-Fab’s “skills” were required in this match, oh dear. In contrast to that, Ivy Nile got to play the part of wrecking ball momentarily and she told Valkyria her title wasn’t safe after eliminating her.

Zoey Stark’s war paint looked like someone wiped shit on her face and Lash Legend got a decent little showcase when she first showed up.

Bianca Belair is gonna be a good heel when she finally turns, her over-the-top feats of strength still look tacky and overly cooperative.

It’s nice to see Sonia Deville get back into it after taking a bit of time out of the ring. It kinda looked like she might be stepping away from that side of the business.

Maxxine Dupri, oh dear. She eliminated Ivy Nile following a couple of minutes of questionable offensive moves. I can’t see her improving in the ring, yet we’re seeing her get the better of a machine like Nile? Poor show.

Chelsea Green was close to elimination, but Piper Niven entered the match to make the save. However, in real-time, everyone just stood around waiting and looking daft.

Jordynne Grace got a big reaction upon her return to the company/Royal Rumble match. She looks so different than when she coulda passed as “Daughter of Rhyno”, but that didn’t stop her from lifting up Piper Niven and hitting a Death Valley Driver.

Old friends from TNA Wrestling Naomi and Grace met eyes and hugged, which caused Bianca Belair to grab Jordynne by the hair and launch her over the top rope and onto the apron.

Alexa Bliss’s return got a huge pop BEFORE she ripped off her skirt to reveal her competitor’s knickers.

I don’t care if Zelina Vega’s cousin invented the Code Red move, she shouldn’t be giving it to lasses off the turnbuckle. Stick to your posing for your online cosplay fans.

Stephanie Vaquer and her arsecheeks joined in too, also adding Chile to the long list of countries that WWE has employed people from. Funny thing to mention, I know, but WWE took the time to put little flags on everyone’s on-screen graphics and they like to bang on about “first ever WWE superstar from _____”.

Trish Stratus received a warm welcome when she arrived at #25 and there was an angry wave of boos for Liv Morgan eliminating Alexa Bliss.

Charlotte “Leather Face” Flair came in at 27. She looks strange(r than usual). No definition and she looks more lanky/skeletal than before.

Giulia debuted on the main roster and got herself over.

Nia Jax out at #29 and dumped Trish Stratus out.

Nikki Bella was the surprise #30 entrant and all the #GiveWomenAChance white knights lauded over her because…”nostalgia”??? XD

The same people cheering on Bella are the same who would have cheered on AJ Lee for putting Bella in her place on the mic all those years ago. They’re just seal-clapping at names/faces they recognise. #YouCanTwerkButYouCantWork

Jax smashed around like Godzilla and cleared most of the ring.

Flair, Jax and Roxanne Perez were the final three.

WWE’s Ultimate Tribute Act proceeded to eliminate both Nia and then Roxanne and secure her spot on this year’s WrestleMania card.

Readers/followers of mine know that I’ve never been a fan of Flair’s, I’m still not impressed with her now. I understand that (to WWE) she’s a safe/easy option for a passable match at the Show of Shows, but she always leaves me underwhelmed.

In addition to all the other things we were expected to focus on simultaneously, there were so many arsecheeks on show, it was like Street Corner Wars: Ladies of the Night Fighting Over Territory.

Liv “AstroTurf” Morgan was gifted the “1 Hour+” achievement. They even gave her an obvious couple of seconds more than Io Sky (who started at #1).

OMG It’s Been Over an Hour Since We Ran an Advert! >.<

I honestly lost count of how many products WWE rammed down our throats and slapped us in the face with during this first transition, and it didn’t get any better throughout the night. You’d think all those billion$ would be plenty and there’d be no need to block the view of the wrestling to get sponsor graphics/logos/spots in there, but what do I know?

Things that were paraded out on Triple H’s Shameless Conveyor Belt of Products over the night included: the usual flock of purchased personality types who dance around in the crowd for screen time when wrestling’s hot, countless sponsorship companies with nothing to do with wrestling/sports, the terrible music used for the PLE, unhealthy food/drink, future PLEs because WWE has already forgotten about/spent your money for this one, WWE’s website of t-shirts that aren’t as good as they used to be, gambling apps, over-hyped video games, over-promoted films, the Saudi Arabia tourism board, and a hideous farewell John Cena Funko Pop.

At this rate, I’m gonna adjust my assessment from early and say that Trips probably uses, lists, and sells multiple pairs of crotchless knickers throughout the night.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. DIY (2-out-of-3 Falls/WWE Tag Titles)

Winners: DIY (2 falls to 1)

Despite all four men being solid singles wrestlers, both teams have a history of demonstrating all the bad tag team behaviour seen in AEW/the Indies. Because of this, I’m not going to list all the times the referee pretended the match was tornado rules or the silly multi-man spots.

DIY won the first fall early on when they faked a tag, which Alex Shelley bought, and then KO’d him with a blindside knee to the face. This would be more convincing if both teams weren’t later kicking out of shotgun blasts, helicopter explosions, and multiple consecutive tag-team kicks/knees to the face.

Anyway, MCMG evened the score with their Skull and Bones double-team a few minutes later.

When it looked like MCMG had the match won, a hooded individual distracted the referee on the apron, this caused a second hoode-oh, nevermind, Angelo Dawkins couldn’t keep his face covered and his ID was revealed before he cracked Shelley with a crutch, allowing DIY to secure the win.

After the match, the Street Profits stated the rest of their intentions by beating down DIY.

Cody Rhodes vs. Kevin Owens (Ladder Match/Undisputed Title)

Winner: Cody Rhodes

The fans seemed to be behind Owens from the start, with minor rumblings from them when Cody was on the offensive.

As soon as the first ladder was used as a weapon, the conditioned crowd got its instant gratification, became bored, and demanded tables for the rest of the bout.

The two combatants battered the crap out of each other with ladders of varying sizes and girths for the majority of the brawl.

Both guys took rough bumps onto ladders, with Owens taking the harshest of all. Following a Fisherman’s Buster onto a ladder, officials swarmed both men and looked like they might intervene somehow.

Sami Zayn then appeared and looked to be (primarily) concerned for Owens.

Cody came around first and busted KO’s head open on the announce table and planted him into the ground with an Alabama Slam through a ladder.

This cleared the way for Cody to climb up and retrieve both belts. The crowd didn’t really seem to care much, they were more interested in the state of KO and the evil-looking bump he just took.

Main title matches on a Royal Rumble used to be the main story for the night, with the Rumble match itself declaring what’s lined up down the road. This fight didn’t feel like it had the same impact as it should.

No worries, though, at least we’ve all been endlessly reminded that the Attitude Era’s Eagle belt is available at the online gimmick table…as well as the wing company whose logo was plastered around the ring/arena/soon-to-be wrestler’s skin/clothes…

Men’s Royal Rumble

Winner: Jay Uso

Rey Mysterio and Captain Hand Gesture Penta started off, which isn’t even close to a dream encounter for me. I felt like I’m watching two kids play a wrestling video game with a “counter-all” and unlimited specials cheats enabled, it got very tiring very quickly.

Chad Gable came down to take a few sloppy double-team lucha moves and get his knees crushed by a botched splash. Fortunately, he beasted through it, but more lucha-style wrestlers entered the match and diluted the impact/number of moves of Penta. I mean, unless you count his hand gestures and entrance walk, he doesn’t offer anything new; Mysterio, Andrade and Santos Escobar are all much smoother than he is.

Carmelo Hayes temporarily teamed with Gable to clear out some of the Luchadores.

Otis waddled down and joined in the match, but Gable broke up his rampage momentarily.

Bron Breakker then entered at number 7 and made the first few eliminations to the chagrin of Carmello Hayes and Santos Escobar.

As Akira Tozawa headed into the arena, he was KO’d by a sulky Hayes. Adam Pearce then took Tozawa backstage and Triple H literally replaced one of his wrestlers with PopularPromotedInfluencerNumber3042940190, who was meant to bridge the gap between those pesky proper wrestling fans and trillions of modern fans/tourists…it didn’t work. Fortunately, the little twerp got utterly destroyed by Bron Breakker and a high-speed Spear. Ya love to see it.

Sheamus and Breakker rekindled their rivalry briefly and knocked each other around.

When Drunky Jimmy Uso entered, the commentary team really tried putting “Big Jim” over, saying how good he is, despite being overshadowed by the rest of his family… the multiple DUIs haven’t helped either, of course.

Jacob Fatu looked impressive as he smashed his way in and started throwing people out of the match.

Ludwig Kaiser loitered around outside the ring instead of sprinting in like most. However, Kaiser tried to sneak in and toss out Penta, but ended up on the floor below himself.

The TNA Champion Joe Hendry got a big pop and he ran over most of his opponents…until Jacob Fatu flattened him.

Roman Reigns appeared earlier than expected at #16. Just like Charlotte Flair, Roman had pyro during his entrance. Reign’s demolition derby was halted by a Spear from Breakker, but Roman retaliated by throwing Bron out of the match.

Reigns and Fatu started laying into each other (with Penta hiding in the corner) before Drew McIntyre marched down and squared up with Roman.

Penta finally got sent home after Finn Balor got the better of him. Yeah, I’m not impressed with him, I’m afraid. I don’t see how he’s improved since being in AEW, other than being in a better environment.

To be fair to Pre-Show/Opening Bout Jay Uso, the crowd do love dancing to his music and singing along. WWE should reinstate The Golden Truth and have Uso lead them and their karaoke-adjacent antics.

AJ Styles made his anticipated return at #21, with his old (better) theme song, acting like they never changed it.

Braun Strowman tired himself out stomping his way down the aisle just so he could go nose-to-nose with Fatu again. Braun hoisted the Samoan Werewolf over his shoulder and dropped him outside, which caused Fatu to start breaking stuff at ringside.

John Cena got a standing ovation to kick off his farewell tour of silly facial expressions. Despite eliminating Strowman and Balor, John looks quite frail.

CM Punk was in at #24 and the crowd sang him down the aisle. By the time Punk finally got in the ring, it was time for #25 to come out. This was revealed to be Seth Rollins, who charged straight at Punk.

Dominik Mysterio swaggered down and hit a brick wall in Roman Reigns.

Then, someone must have dropped some change, as Sami “The Fucking Bum” Zayn appeared as entrant #27.

WWE’s favourite fake tough guy Damian Priest was out at 28. Wade Barrett called him “The Punisher of SmackDown”…ahahahahahaaaaaa, give me a break.

LA Knight was 29 and got a loud response because he’s got a catchphrase that the audience can repeat easily. Sadly, Knight didn’t really do much or stand out tonight.

The Schemer Drew McIntyre cleverly created two scenarios where Roman and Jimmy Uso accidentally hit Sami Zayn before Drew threw him out. Just another nice little moment that will likely be brought up later on in time.

Logan Paul was number 30. He got to play the part of avoiding elimination by jumping onto the commentary table.

Damian Priest surprised Drew by pushing him out of the ring and then staring at him. Knowing WWE, they’re going to try and convince me that Priest is any form of tough guy, let alone one who can beat the Scottish Nutcase.

The final six were Roman Reigns, CM Punk, Logan Paul, Seth Rollins, Jay Uso and John Cena.

Reigns and Rollins started wailing on each other and they got tied up in the ropes. This allowed Punk to tip them both outside, which then led to Logan Paul getting rid of Punk. Rollins hit Roman with an evil-looking Curb Stomp on the floor (and later on the steel steps) before getting into a pull-apart with CM Punk.

Cena attempted the double-stacked FU/AA, but Uso slipped out and super-kicked Paul in the face. This set up Cena to clothesline Logan out of the match and bring us to the final two.

As most assumed Cena was winning this one, the pair battled on the apron before Cena was pushed to the floor.

The surprised crowd exploded and they got to do all their singing/shouting/dancing/posing with a mid-carder who The Rock WWE really want to see in the main event.

Look, Jay Uso isn’t The Rock, he isn’t Roman Reigns, he isn’t Jacob Fatu, he isn’t Yokozuna, and hell, he isn’t even Rikishi. He might sell more shirts than some of these guys, but once the bill rings, his quality hastily fades.

If we’re playing “but the fans are really behind his catchphrase and merch!” then where was LA Knight’s proper push a couple of years ago? Or when the buzz re-emerged last year? Just because someone’s is over in one respect, it doesn’t mean they should be main eventing WrestleMania and it certainly doesn’t mean WWE will give them the push the reaction warrants. Disagree? Then where were the big pushes for Chad Gable, Cesaro, Elias, Enzo Amore, Bray Wyatt, Eugene, Santino Morella, Al Snow, D-Lo Brown, Val Venis? The list could go on.

If we’re being honest, this is yet another instance of WWE’s flavour of family-themed identity politics playing out, as Uso is now the fourth member of the Rock’s family to win a Royal Rumble.

People are fast to forget WWE has historically employed/positioned/promoted people based on who they know, not what they not. Just because they avoided some of the most modern, tasteless trends in identity politics, that doesn’t mean they should be given a free pass when they do engage in it.

And Another Thing…

Just like the women’s, the men’s Rumble also had the incredibly distracting on-screen graphics. However, the men’s detailed the wrestler’s height and weight, the women’s didn’t.

One can only assume that this is done to avoid offending the ladies, which is rather condescending if you ask me. They’re combat sports athletes employed by a company that promotes (perceived) fights. Weight categories exist, they’re a big part of booking fights, and they don’t care for your feelings. Grow up.

Regarding music, what was wrong with using the Papa Roach song used for Cody vs. Owens as the main theme for the PLE? Sure, it’s still pop music, but it has a bit of a bite to it than the tripe we kept hearing all night. I dunno, it just makes more sense for a show where physical violence is the main ingredient, and not Triple H’s shopping channel carousel.

Why can’t we learn from past mistakes with the constant whoring?

Vince McMahon’s futile hunt for the unlimited/mythical modern fanbase caused him to relentlessly put other people’s merchandise and services ahead of his own performers/performance.

More recently, numerous other industries/entertainment providers have attempted this desperate approach, and they’ve done nought but piss off the die-hard/long-term fans who got them where they are today.

They’re speaking with their wallets, and it’s only a matter of time, in my opinion, before WWE get some pushback and some will refuse to pay their ever-increasing ticket prices.

–  OLDER RESULTS –

• WWE Raw Debuts on Netflix (Jan 6th 2025)
• WWE Survivor Series 2024
• WWE Bad Blood 2024
• WWE Bash in Berlin 2024

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