Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
During the week.
I’ve been graced with a bit of time off work and I initially had the intention of cracking on with loads of extra bits. This plan soon turned around on itself and I’ll be completely honest, I’ve done fuck all this week.
I believe that it’s very important that we all take some time to make zero effort every once in a while in order to reset our bodies, minds and spirits. Obviously, if you generally spend all week doing fuck all, sitting on your arse in front of a TV and such, then more time off probably isn’t what you need to attain balance and/or peace of mind.
My week has consisted of chilling in/working in the garden (it’d be rude not when the weather’s been grand), killing things on Final Fantasy XI, helping the Mrs get up to speed with One Piece (only six hundred or so episodes to go), taking a smoke break when I deem it necessary and just generally having my feet up whilst being shouted at by the cats.
Modern life is rubbish, as well as relentlessly stressful and tiring. Society dictates we do more and more in our day to day lives and our minds constantly run a hundred digital miles an hour trying to keep up with EVERYTHING online as well as what we had to deal with in our immediate vicinities.
We have to work harder in our jobs since predictions of robots doing all the manual graft by the year 2000 didn’t really come to fruition and because times are hard for a lot of us, we’re actually working MORE hours than we did twenty to thirty years ago.
The point I’m trying to make amidst this verbal traffic jam is that it’s not always a bad thing to sit on one’s arse for the time being and enjoy treading water for a moment. Just trying to maintain that mental equilibrium can be exhausting enough and we all need to give our hard-working selves a break from time to time.
Or, maybe that’s just cognitive dissonance on my behalf.
#RAW
We start the show with a flashback of Enzo Amore demonstrating just how gullible he really is……and yeah, we got another look at that nasty launching of Enzo down the ramp by Big Cass too.
Enzo Amore heads out and address his newly booked match against Big Cass at Great Balls of Fire.
‘Kin hell! He looks like the result of Dude Love and Bray Wyatt tag teaming a meth addicted, homeless Chihuahua………….or the zombie monkey from Brain Dead, either/or.
Enzo’s clear and confident on the microphone, but just like his potential character’s father, Bray Wyatt, he says nothing substantial. Maybe they should stick him with Wyatt since they’ve continuously missed a trick with Bo Dallas and Bray’s in dire need of something more than what he’s doing at the moment.
What a dickhead. He gives us the old “mic drop” before remembering he’d forgotten some of his speech. So he has to coyly walk back, pick the mic back up and finish off what he was meant to say.
Cass is in the back watching the show. Charles the Dwarf appears to have a quick natter with him. Before he’s done bumbling his way through what he was saying, Enzo the flying squirrel (that’s squir-rel, not squirl) kamikazes Cass and the two had to be broken up by referees and officials.
Bayley & Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss & Nia “Please Stop Smiling” Jax
Bayley was carried out shortly after the match started thanks to Nia crushing her head against the barricade with a running arse attack.
Even though the match ended with a two on one situation, Sasha was able to knock Nia off the apron and force Bliss to tap out.
GM Kurt Angle is on his phone in his office when Braun Strowman gives us a butchers at his new t-shirt.
Good move! It’s about time you gave the lad some merchandise to flog. I know you wanted him to be the monster movie heel and have him get Roman over as the super baby face of the universe and all that, but that’s not how the cards fell, so just deal with it.
Despite booking and presentation, Braun’s become a fan favourite and he shouldn’t have been castrated for this long with regards to enabling the guy to make a few extra quid from the fans that cheer him and want to buy his shirt.
People will still buy Roman’s shirts, just like there are/were enough daft cunts out there that bought John Cena’s, The Rock’s and Hulk Hogan’s eternally recycled sacks of shit month in and month out.
Anyway, Braun says he knows Roman is still staying over at the vets for a while and that Kurt had better figure out what to do about Braun wanting competition tonight and on Sunday.
We’re reminded that John Cena returns to Smackdown this week. I’m not even going to get into how amused I get at the ridiculous, forced celebration that is Independence Day, so I’ll just focus on Cena being advertised as a “free agent”.
I’m guessing this means that WWE want to spread Cena on both sides of our bread, either because they think both shows need him to survive or because twenty five years was the term on the “Success for Souls” contract he signed for Vince and they want to get all of Cena’s dream opponents out of the way and onto the network before he is dragged downstairs to Hell for eternity to be sodomised, milked dry and worked to death.
No wonder he tries to hide his eyes screaming “help me” constantly.
We see an updated video package psyching us up for Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe.
Fantastic! I make a lot of criticisms at heels that try and come off as being cold and calculated and yet fail miserably, Samoa Joe does not fall into this category.
I haven’t been invested in a Brock Lesnar match for quite a few years now (which is a shame since WWE spend so much money on the life-sized, steroid filled Lego meathead) and I’m hoping that they use this opportunity to do something productive and put Joe over as the new unstoppable monster champion/ruler.
Yeah, I know Brock put Goldberg over a couple of times during their feud, but that was short term booking and it was just to pad both of their pockets and to build for the following WrestleMania. Imagine if they did something that had long term ramifications for other people that may actually need the business/momentum/push?
What if Joe was given the win and THAT is what you have to fight towards battling if you want a shiny belt around your waist. You have to look forward to tangling with someone that was not only capable of taking down The Beast, but mental enough to charge straight in there without giving a single fuck.
#PissbreakWeights
Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar (w/Alicia Fox)
I’m fed up of this before the match even starts.
Cole and company discuss the love triangle and me and the cats start drawing on the walls for something more interesting to do.
Dar and Fox fail to distract Alexander and the Lombard Check puts Dar away.
WWE gloss over their drive-thru abortion of a segment last week on MizTV, ignoring the Ball’s shittest son puffing his chest out and calling Miz a “nagger” twice on live television and claiming the whole thing to be a great success.
If anyone deserves congratulating for that mess, it’s The Miz and Dean Ambrose for miraculously managing to revive three day roadkill with basic CPR.
#MizTV
The entire Miztourage grace us with their presence as The Miz rips the piss out of his guest from last week. The crowd get behind until he turns the mockery towards something local (I’m assuming), as they soon soured towards him.
Nice work!
The Miz continues to impress as he runs down the flaws of Dean Ambrose’s character, saying we could have had something like the new Roddy Piper and instead we’ve got “Wacky Dean Ambrose”.
That’s a very fair point; as per usual, The Miz manages to work some truth in his antagonistic promos and steams towards that accolade of being the best heel in the last twenty years.
Dean’s heard enough though and he brings his Cheshire cat grin into the arena. He applauds Miz for his keen profiling skills and challenges him to his title rematch right here and now.
Heath Slater and Rhyno join in and Heath throws his hat into the ring for the IC Title picture since he was the last person to defeat The Miz. This causes Heath and Ambrose to have a few words, potentially pitting them against each other.
The Miz does his job and gobs off enough so that their focus returns and concentrates on him and he puts them in their place.
Kurt Angle however, has a different idea. As well as saying that Ambrose will get his rematch at Great Balls of Fire, he books a title match next between Slater and Miz and it’s up after the break.
Heath Slater (w/Rhyno) vs. The Miz (w/The Miztourage)
Ambrose keeps the table (and myself) amused while waffling his usual brand of shit and taking the piss out of WWE Creative for wonders such as “The Miztourage” and “Great Balls of Fire”.
Axel and Dallas ambush Rhyno, this causes Slater to be distracted and hit with the Skull Crushing Finale.
Ambrose tries to make the save when Slater gets knocked around a bit after the match, but the numbers are too great for Dean and he’s met by the same fate as the rest.
Apollo Crews and Titus O’Neil discuss Braun Strowman’s impending killing spree. Titus convinces Apollo to have a go at taking out Strowman, what a pal!
#BraunsGunnaEatYou
Goldust is already in the ring and he unveils his latest premier, The Shattered Truth.
After a two minute video made in Movie Maker is played that highlights what happened last week, we see that R-Truth is already in the ring and behind Goldust.
Truth sends Goldust packing.
I expect that this is leading to a retirement match of some description. Since Goldust is the one setting the table, I assume that it will be his last supper and he’ll step back to more of a teaching role within the company.
Kurt Angle struggles with his phone again, Sheasaro show up to help him unlock it. Cesaro wants Finn Balor tonight and Angle grants it.
Nice one!
Seth Rollins vs. Kurt Hawkins
Rollins embarrasses Hawkins in roughly five seconds. Seth uses the time saved to get some mic. time in and talk about Bray Wyatt.
Dumb and dumber.
Hawkins looks like a plate of dog shit and Rollins said as little as Wyatt usually does. I’m still scratching my head as to why I’m meant to care about their feud.
#SplitScreenSlaggingMatch
Samoa Joe vs. Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)
Joe takes about twenty seconds to get pissed off and he starts spitting and shouting at the camera telling Brock to meet him for a scrap right now.
Brock’s happy just chilling out where he is and this just angers Joe more. Joe decides to bail on the interview and he searches the backstage for Brock.
As he finds where he wants to be, Kurt Angle has a team of officials and security drag Joe away Brock chuckles and mocks him in the background.
#TimeForAnotherPiss
Mustafa Ali vs. Neville
Neville makes Ali tap after a short, yet well worked contest.
I’m still not going to find/make the time to watch 205 Live though, sorry.
Bray Wyatt mixes things up this week and trips balls out in the desert.
He again failed to make much sense.
This would be a great thing to do each week in a different local location; Bray going on somewhat of a pilgrimage across America/the world and reporting in on how he’s chaotic aura twists and manipulates everywhere he goes……..not just nonsensical ramblings from a dark cupboard in the back for ten minutes each week.
Charles the Dwarf badgers Alexa Bliss about losing her match earlier on. Bliss tells Charles to wind her neck in and she storms off.
The Hardy Boyz join the lads at the table for the next fight.
Finn Balor vs. Cesaro (w/Sheamus)
After a fantastic match, Finn hits the Coup de Grace for the win.
Elias Samson joined Sheamus in distracting Balor. This caused The Hardy Boyz to stroll down and even the numbers.
Braun Strowman pulls up in his Ambulance and barks on about loving beating up Roman Reigns. He re-issues his challenge to anyone that considers themselves as competition.
Titus O’Neil introduces Strowman’s next victim.
Braun Strowman vs. Apollo Crews (w/Titus O’Neil)
Apollo got a few moves in, but Strowman just shrugged it off as a bit of angry foreplay and continued to knock ten buckets of shit out of him.
LOVE IT!
Not so much the licking, but the rest of what he was doing is something we don’t see enough.
Strowman had the match won and he pulled Apollo off the mat before the referee could complete the three count. This was something that amused the piss out of me as a kid and one of the reasons I loved some of the heels so much.
In the end, three running power-slams was enough before Strowman got bored and allowed the referee to do his job.
Strowman starts loading Crews and Titus into the ambulance before it doesn’t drive away when he bangs on the back of it.
He goes to investigate and discovers Roman Reigns swinging from the driver’s seat. Fuck knows how he didn’t see him through the glass window that he peered though.
Roman has a better showing this week and spears Braun off the staging and through some tables. It doesn’t take long for both men to be back on their feet and then the show fades out.
Afterthoughts.
Thumbs up for Dean Ambrose getting a few digs in at creative while he was on the commentary table. I’m sure someone will sulk at him for it, but he’s absolutely right when implying that WWE are lazy/useless as fuck when it comes to naming things.
They either go with obvious alliteration or sloppy portmanteau and I find myself more often than not suggesting better names on the fly at three in the morning.
#WhyDoesHeEvenGetPaid
Booker T: “The Boss is being a bit BOSSY right now.”
Great stuff. He sounded so fucking proud of that one.
Give the useless bastard a gold star or something and then send him away somewhere far away please, possibly somewhere he can attempt to learn the English language since I have recently immigrated Eastern European friends that could teach him a thing or two……or ten.
Kurwa mać!
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