WWE SummerSlam results (2024) and commentary from Danny Damage!
Previously On…
HHH started the show as he walked down to announce that Raw is returning to 2 hours in the near futu-…oh, wait, scratch that, he wants to add more days to the Premium Live Events, doesn’t he? I doubt he’s ever going to choose quality over quantity in that respect, regardless of what he said on Stone Cold’s podcast that time.
So, Triple H introduced the personification of diabetes Jelly Roll in the ring who was whoring his latest single as the production team forced a bunch of WWE clips on the screen to make it look like a natural opening package…it didn’t.
I know WWE and Trips NEED as many advertising opportunities crammed in there as possible, but this song sucked balls and it didn’t enhance the show we were here for…go shill something else.
Oh yeah, now they have a “ref cam” which is also sponsored. Give it a fucking rest, you bunch of whores. We’re in Vince McMahon territory now.
WWE SummerSlam Results (2024)
Liv Morgan vs. Rhea Ripley (Women’s World Title)
Winner: Liv Morgan (pinfall)
Despite all the lonely lads who would trade both of their loving, enabling parents to stand next to Liv “Torture Porn” Morgan and sniff the air around her, she didn’t get much of a pop when she arrived. The fans were firmly behind the returning Rhea Ripley and rightly so. I say this because there are few mountains between the talent levels of these two lasses.
Mid Morgan played the slippery heel trying to run away from Rhea and take advantage where she could. However, Morgan STILL can’t carry herself in an aggressive manner, like she’s in a fight, let alone run, duck or dodgy convincingly.
Ripley caught Morgan and hit her with some big moves until Liv countered the final Rip Tide attempt and then pushed Rhea shoulder-first into the corner, “dislocating” it. This gave Morgan the chance to get on top of the larger, more talented women, but then Ripley put her shoulder back in on the announce table.
Liv countered Rhea’s finish (and most of her moveset) AGAIN and was made to look as resourceful as Daniel Bryan and Kurt Angle combined. This looked stupid.
Morgan brought a chair into the ring, but Ripley kicked her in the face and disarmed her. When Rhea went to use the chair herself, Dirty Dom grabbed it and reminded her she’d get disqualified.
For some reason, the referee just kept staring at the weapon and made no effort to remove it from the ring. Liv sneaked up and hit Ripley with her shitty finish for two, then Dom pointed out that the chair was in the ring, so Morgan hit Oblivion onto it and retained her belt.
Dom helped Liv to her feet and slobbered all over her face to show everyone where his loyalty was.
Sami Zayn vs. Bron Breakker (Intercontinental Title)
Winner: Bron Breakker (pinfall)
Bron charged in for a spear at the bell, but he missed and shouldered the turnbuckle. This gave Zayn a bit of room to get some offence in. However, Breakker is a beast and a pair of back-to-back spears put hobo Sami down.
I get they were going for Breakker’s “I should have underestimated you before”, but this is the result we should have seen during their last match.
So far on the card, we’ve had two matches in a row where they tried to convince us a fan could convincingly hold their own against proper wrestlers.
Sami Zayn is WWE’s homeless schlub, he should fuck off to AEW and team with Jon Moxley.
LA Knight vs. Logan Paul (US Title)
Winner: LA Knight (pinfall)
For this match, the ring and arena were decorated with meat stick graphics…just in case we were unsure of WWE’s priorities.
These two had an evenly-contested back and forth, with both men getting a chance to shine.
The fans were firmly behind Knight, but as with all of Paul’s matches, he won their respect with his athleticism.
Knight looked to have things under control, but Logan rolled out and asked his ringside lackeys to hand him some brass knuckles. Paul cracked LA in the head with the knucks, but when he tried to follow it up and finish off the challenger, Knight ducked the Better Than Hangman’s Lariat and won the title with a Blunt Force Trauma.
Bayley vs. Nia Jax (WWE Women’s Title)
Winner: Nia Jax (pinfall)
This match has a “free to play” game advertised around the ring and arena. If you don’t know how I feel about falsely advertised gash like this, enjoy this.
The crowd was worn out and sleeping by this point, or baby-face Bayley is just bland. Don’t get me wrong, she’s talented in the ring, but the 2024 Role Model gimmick isn’t capturing the minds or hearts of many.
As the first didn’t get the job done, Nia went for a second Banzai Drop, but Bayley stood up and turned it into a powerbomb.
Tiffany Stratton appeared with her MiTB briefcase, which distracted Bayley. Jax smashed the champ with some more powerbombs and Banzai Drops to become the new WWE Women’s champion.
CM Punk vs. Drew McIntyre
Winner: Drew McIntyre (pinfall)
There were a lot more pro-Drew signs and chants than I expected. The crowd was keener for this than anything else and there wasn’t even a belt on the line. It just shows how well a good blood feud can be booked.
Becky Lynch’s husband’s Seth’s attire was a huge distraction, as was a lot of his dancing and prancing while Drew and Punk took chunks out of each other.
Seth looked away while they fought on the outside and used the metallic environment to their advantage, but he drew the line at McIntyre bringing in a chair.
Punk locked in the Anaconda Vice, which allowed him to reclaim his sparkly little friendship bracelet, but Drew then hit him with a Claymore Kick for a two-count.
Punk was setting up for the GTS, but noticed Seth had the bracelet on his wrist. This gave Drew time to recover and inadvertently knocked Rollins to the outside. Punk then hit the GTS, but Rollins took his time to get back in the ring and allowed McIntrye to kick out.
As per usual, CM Punk let his emotions get the best of him and he took it out on Seth with a GTS. This opened the door for Drew to boot Punk in the bollocks, land a Claymore Kick and score the pinfall.
Damian Priest vs. Gunther (World Heavyweight Title)
Winner: Gunther (TKO)
At every opportunity possible, The Astro Turf Champion, Damian Priest barks about how much of a man he is and how he’s earned his place in WWE. Gunther, on the other hand, is all of that and a bag of chips just by existing, no mouthing off needed.
As well as recently forcing a WWE 24 Documentary out for Priest so early into his career, he got that brief rub from being in a faction with Edge, looked like a man amongst boys in NXT, had everyone in the company chip in to hide the fact that he’s a fake tough guy and received the super push in Puerto Rico…despite the commentators banging on about growing up on the streets of New York when that narrative suits.
At the end of the match, Finn Balor ran down to cheer on Priest, but he ended up helping Gunther survive a South of Heaven by putting his foot on the bottom rope. Damian focused on getting ahold of Balor, but Gunther locked in his Smothering Sleeper and caused Priest to pass out.
Cody Rhodes vs. Solo Sikoa (Undisputed Title)
Winner: Cody Rhodes (pinfall)
In all honesty, there was nothing new or breathtaking from these two. I was a little surprised when this was the proposed main event and more so when they followed through with the idea. The “star power” involved should have been used as a main event for Raw, SmackDown, or maybe just one of the lesser PLEs.
If the underwhelming names and fan’s behaviour was anything to go by, the whole point of this “Bloodline Rules” match was to open the door for Roman Reign’s return. Arn Anderson made a surprise appearance during Cody’s walk from his tour bus, telling him a few familiar and not-so-familiar friends were on their way for backup.
Cody and Slimoa Joe Sikoa battled it out for a while until members of the new Bloodline showed up and beat down Rhodes. This brought out Kevin Owens, who was overwhelmed until Randy Orton came down to even the score.
Everyone fought off together and left Cody and Solo to continue their match until Jacob Fatu spawned and beat the shit outta Rhodes.
Cody kicked out at 2 after a tonne of punishment, which just pissed the heels off more. They placed the champ on the announce table and then Fatu dove off the top rope and put Rhodes through it, but this still wasn’t enough to put down Cody.
Then, as it looked like the new Bloodline was close to finishing things, Roman Reigns’ music hit and blew the roof off of the arena.
Reigns hit Solo with a Superman Punch and then a Spear before leaving Cody to put the icing on the cake and retain his title.
And Another Thing…
The number of adverts present was grim and I’m not just talking about the ring/arena decor. It became so common through the night, that I stopped making a note of which company/product was deemed as/more important than the action we were here to see.
We didn’t need to see Sheamus in some fake bar skit or Otis eluding to shaving his junk just to whore a male grooming company. Pull your knickers up, lads.
Before the main event, R-Truth needed to help Jelly Roll to his feet after they triple-teamed Austin Theory during the AEW/”Anyone can do the wrestling really” piss-break segment.
Something I’ve said for years: Away with this dog shit. Vince got the blame before, but WWE evidently still has no problem making its talent look weaker than contemporary pop culture personalities when the time comes for some publicity.
Why would potential new fans tune in when some manufactured, over-produced, lip-synching fat knacker can beat up the talent you’ll see competing each week?
– OLDER PPV RESULTS –
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