WWE Elimination Chamber results (2025) and commentary from Danny Damage!
Previously On…
WWE has been slowly creeping back towards Vince McMahon levels of whoredom. In fact, I think we might be there now. Combining WWE and Netflix’s efforts to get the mainstream entertainment world to take them both more seriously, it seems that, yep, we’re there.
As well as the usual (encouraged) sea of desperate camera-fuckers in the crowd, “famous” people and the general public alike, the need for ads in the ring, the arena, and the TV audience’s feed is “trousers and knickers around your ankles in a vomit-scented alleyway” kind of whorish. I know I say something along these lines every PLE nowadays, but it does need saying. Balance is good for all of us, after all.
More exciting news as the inventor of women’s wrestling, Stephanie McMahon, is back on our screens with a WWE and ESPN crossover show where she tries to convince us/herself how human she is interviews people, starting with Pat McAfee.
WWE’s LFG was advertised tonight too. Which, can also take a long walk off a short pier. Sure, it’s nice to see some of the legends involved, but on top of being another crass chance to pull the curtain back and show too much of how the sausage is made, it’s just another piece of reality TV shite trying to garner attention from the mythical casual/modern audience.
WWE, waiting around on your knees with an open mouth for any potential customer to fall down your throat is not the best look. The majority of those you pander to will always respond with “Eww, fake wrestling?” and you’ll just piss off your regular punters. Draw a wrestling crowd and wow the shit out of them. If it’s worth it, passers-by may hear the excitement, wander in, and give it a try.
It wasn’t the usual sports betting company, but WWE was flogging some type of lottery/gambling product again. Grim.
Tonight, we saw Dwayne Johnson return to a fan base who are always happy (and quick) to forget about his lame list of modern movies, his shameless shilling of any old product, his staged/filmed truck donations to his family members, and let’s not forget his shady charity mishap with Oprah not so long ago.
With that said, I’m sure Dwayne will humbly and modestly watch on from the side and enjoy the show with the rest of us, making sure everyone who deserves the spotlight gets just as much adoration as they should…
WWE Elimination Chamber Results (2025)
Taster: I thought the first 3 matches were piss-break spots if I’m being honest. One of them was a cheaper steak starter dish before a quality steak for the main; the other was the second women’s match in a row. Despite the latter containing the return of Trish Stratus, there was nothing that could have possibly stood out when following the six-woman car-wreck match before it.
The third barbless hook of the night was the 9999th encounter between Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. I was there for all that in Ring of Honor and it’s not like they’ve evolved together like Goku and Vegeta.
The main event was great, however. It was full of angle advancements with some things being answered, as well as new questions arising.
Finally, the post-main event section was interesting…
Women’s Elimination Chamber Tribute Match
Winner: Bianca Belair
As per usual, I’m not going to list all the individual tricks in a spot-spamming clusterfuck of a video game match.
It looked like Naomi and Liv “AstroTurf” Morgan were going to start things off, but Jade Cargill made a surprise return and marched towards Morgan, who allegedly jumped her a while back. At the last moment, Jade instead walloped Naomi, dropping her on her arse, and then giving her a drawn-out beat down as Bianca Belair cried in her pod.
As Cargill left, Naomi was deemed incapable of continuing and removed from the match. Belair was then the next entrant, whose distracted state was preyed on by Liv.
Bayley added some legitimacy to the match, and Belair has great things in store once she gets more experience, but three of the women (Morgan, Alexa Bliss, and Roxanne Perez) involved in this dangerous, war-zone setting, are essentially the same China-doll body type and it takes away from the whole thing. Sure, they can perform many of the acrobatic and athletic stunts, but they’re not convincing anyone that they’re in a genuinely violent contest.
The “This is awesome” chant from the crowd was very generous, but they were the sort to be easily impressed with the chance to count down from ten to one every few minutes. Also, every time that clock was on the screen, WWE had the opportunity to slip another sponsor’s logo on it. *salesman smile*
Mid Morgan and Bianca Belair were the final two. As part of her booking, Morgan has been given the technical/reversal skills of Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio combined while having the durability of The Undertaker’s biker form.
Eventually, Belair hit Liv with a Kiss of Death that she couldn’t kick out of.
As Bianca celebrated her way up the aisle, she was approached and stared down by Rhea Ripley and Io Sky.
Again, I dunno why they put this on first, I’d just been to the toilet before the show started…
I jest. They obviously can’t put it on any closer to the real Elimination Chamber match, so it’s here. I say “obviously”, but it’s not evident enough to WWE to avoid doubling up with the same gimmick match on a card, but having two hours in between is sufficient, apparently.
As I suggest with opening the Royal Rumble show up with a battle royal for the women, or men if there’s a reason the Rumble itself should revolve around a women’s angle, a steel cage match opening for the Elimination Chamber event would be a nice way to tease the concept of the main event, without giving too much away, in my opinion.
Anyway, Condescending Equity Pats™ on the head all around to those involved. At least you’re not being called “Divas” and you’re not being forced to show your tits and arses/bras and panties…
Trish Stratus & Tiffany Stratton vs. Nia Jax & Candice LeRae
Winners: Trish & Tiffany (pinfall)
As stated earlier, two women’s matches in a row was a rough call. I mean, if we’d have a four-way featuring meatheads like Rhea Ripley vs. Raquel Rodriguez vs. Zoey Stark vs. Nia Jax, things might have been different. But that wasn’t the case, sadly.
Candice LeRae welcomes the same criticism as Morgan/Bliss/Perez, which could be overlooked if we didn’t just have a triple serving of that presentation moments ago. Trish Stratus and Tiffany Stratton are too similar to each other, so there was very little left they could show the crowd that was different from the last match.
Unfortunately, it seems that Tiff may have wandered into “So much work done/makeup on, you’re facially starting to look like a dude” territory. Hopefully, this was just a temporary thing, but a lot of lasses are falling for this trend of overdoing it when naturally, they’ve absolutely nothing to grumble about.
In the end, the faces won when Stratton hit her Prettiest Moonsault Ever on Jax.
This wasn’t fit for a PLE. I know it was to commemorate 25 years of Trish and being in Canada, but this wasn’t anything to write home about either.
Sorry, guys, I’ve painted myself into a corner now and I’m going to have to say it: At least 90% of your cheering for women’s wrestling is just you thinking with the thing between your legs.
I understand it, totally, and wouldn’t usually scold you for it, but call it what it is, please.
Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Unsanctioned Match)
Winner: Kevin Owens (pinfall)
I already said so much of what I wanted during my intro. Zayn is a fucking bum, trying to be some modern-day Mick Foley, and Kevin Owens is a decent song that’s been stuck on repeat for over a decade.
I honestly don’t think they could top anything they’ve already done to/with each other, even if you let them go to the land of AEW where every daft spot they suggested would be green-lit.
Although this is the one bout they might have actually enjoyed, I’m happy to let both AEW fans (who aren’t on the pay/angling for work and attention) rip the shit out of this mess of a mudshow match.
As is his thing now, Zayn no-sold and kicked out of being close to murdered. He repeatedly forgot to sell the neck injury he went into the fight with when tossing a guy almost twice his size around, and then remembered when it suited him.
Sami tried to further play into the “Foley and I have a beard and look like shite, so we’re the same” schtick by producing a barbed-wire-wrapped steel chair. This was just another means to put someone else’s logo on the screen during the 200 instant replays throughout the brawl.
After what seemed like forever, Owens smashed Zayn with back-to-back pop-up powerbombs to the ring apron/edge before rolling him into the ring and pinning him.
How have these two men not become bored of going through the same old shit with each other? I’ve only witnessed a fraction of what they’ve been through first-hand and I want my time back.
Following the bell, Owens started to set up a piledriver on the exposed floor spot, but Randy Orton made his return and RKO’d Owens…20-odd minutes late, mind you.
Randy teased a Punk Kick, but officials broke them up.
Men’s Elimination Chamber
Winner: John Cena
During the hype package for the match, each of the combatants were linked with six of the seven deadly sins; all of them were guilty of lust, hence their inclusion in the Elimination Chamber.
During this, Damian Priest was attributed with “Wrath”, which is laughable for WWE’s Fake Tough Guy of the Year; as, despite the exhausted efforts of the company, Priest got no pop when shown arriving and when entering the arena. The commentators also continued trying to put him over by calling him “The Punisher” (LOL), a “martial arts expert” (ROFL), and “The Street King” (LMFAO, try “The Street Walker”).
Drew McIntyre and Seth Rollins were the first two to go at it.
Logan Paul has some serious natural heat due to his slappable face and ability to antagonise a crowd.
John Cena got his Five Moves of Doom in (with the audience’s support) once he entered the battle.
Priest got a sneaky roll-up on Drew and sent him to the showers for the second PLE in a row.
Logan knocked Damian out of the match with a Super Frog Splash off of a pod.
CM Punk and Cena tried to rekindle their rivalry, but Seth couldn’t stand to see them do that and got in the way.
Paul was eliminated by Punk’s GTS.
Rollins was neutralised (but not pinned) after Punk and Cena smashed him with a Hart Attack. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, right, Seth?
Punk and Cena then hugged and finally started throwing hands.
While they were slogging it out, Rollins returned and put Cena through a pod window and then turned his attention to Punk.
Despite his best efforts, nothing in Seth’s arsenal was enough to remove Punk from the match. He attempted another Curb Stomp, this time off the top rope, but he essentially jumped into a GTS and AA-combo and got himself pinned.
The final two, Cena and Punk, shook hands and they both landed some big moves and kicked out of each other’s finishers.
As they were both fatigued and trying to find their feet, Rollins got the last laugh against Punk when he jumped back into the scene with a brutal Curb Stomp, allowing Cena to take advantage.
Trapped in the STFU, Punk passed out and Cena’s hand was raised in victory.
The Rock’s Main Event Spotlight Grab
Winner: The Rock (w/Artificial Pop Music Product #3498213908590-C)
As Cena was getting his breath back and celebrating his victory, Cody Rhodes (black coat and all) approached the ring.
They were respectful towards each other, with Cena even sitting on the second rope to welcome Cody into the squared circle.
This brought out the People’s Shampion, Dopey Dwayne, as well as a jumped-up fake musician with a title belt that weighed more than he did. I think he was supposed to be Johnson’s muscle and red herring, but just about anyone in the back could have fulfilled this role and benefitted from the rub of sharing the screen with the talent involved.
Once Dwayne had the attention of everyone who tuned in for the finish of the PLE, he reissued the ultimatum to Rhodes: join me, or be destroyed.
Cody pondered this for a moment before announcing the fans/business already possess his soul, so he told the whorish tooth fairy to go fuck himself, which caused Cena and the fans to pop.
Then, Cody and Cena hugged in the middle of the ring, but Johnson exchanged a look with Cena that alerted everyone but Cody to what was about to happen.
Needlessly, Dwayne tried to show us that he’s good at the acting and he overdid it with the hand gestures, trying to do his own version of Triple H/Evolution’s “Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down” betrayal of Randy Orton.
Cena low-blowed Cody and then proceeded to bust him open with a Rolex around his knuckles and Rhodes’ own title belt. Johnson joined in and whipped Cody with a belt like he did last year, before leaving him beaten and battered in the ring.
Roughly 20 years of us waiting for the stars to align for the perfect Cena heel turn and Dwayne had to stand in front of it, drastically reducing the impact of it. I think this makes him WWE’s Chris Jericho, knowing exactly where the spotlight currently shines the brightest and seeing the most beneficial means of soaking it in.
Thankfully, it appeared that Cody will be alright, as the commentary team got in the ring to help him onto his feet and back to the locker room.
And Another Thing…
Well, I might be on the side of the love-blind AEW die-hards this week. Uh-oh.
First, I have some questions regarding this “pure cinema” angle.
1: What would have happened if Cena didn’t win the Elimination Chamber/title shot/reason to sell his soul?
2: Even if Punk later turns heel too, revealing he and Cena were actually in cahoots, what would have happened if it was one of the other four men who won?
3: What would have happened with/to Cena if Cody had decided to drop trow and bend over for Johnson?
I said this last year and it is still true today. Wrestling (at least, the WWE) doesn’t need you, Dwayne. You and your mediocre movies need the wrestling fan base, as well as the attention from the fickle followers of hollow, pop culture trends like the 100lbs of mark you brought to the ring.
I get that he’s trying to replace the evil authority figure void Vince McMahon left, but they’re two very different people and it feels incredibly forced and unnatural.
I’m not surprised that Johnson can’t gauge this, just look how out of touch the rest of modern Hollywood is, but the main difference is that people bought Vince’s gimmick because he was a crazy old million/billionaire, and we’d see the gradual evolution of this character. Dwayne, on the other hand, is just a needy, melodramatic wanker.
– OLDER RESULTS –
- WWE Royal Rumble 2025
- WWE Raw Debuts on Netflix (Jan 6th 2025)
- WWE Survivor Series 2024
- WWE Bad Blood 2024
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