Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
During the week.
Since The WWE’s recent message about women has been that of a “vintage” flavour and since I’m one of the billions of impressionable, unwashed meat-sacks on this planet, I’ve joined in with the celebration of how great boys are and how shite girls are.
I’ve been making a point of speaking to my Mrs whilst impersonating famous/fictional shite-hawks like Glen Quagmire, Eric Cartman, Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Todd from Scrubs, Douglas Reynholm and obviously, Vinny Mac himself.
Our lass is particularly fond of being told to “get her bitch ass back in the kitchen” and to crawl/bark like a dog in her underwear. She’s also grown attached to the chain that keeps her six feet away from the sink/cooker at all times, as well as the Battle Royale style diamond collar.
I’ve also begun to adopt this behaviour out in public and at work too. Because of this, I’ve been feeling ever so manly and empowered with all the cowering creatures of the lesser half crumbling before me everywhere I go.
I no longer feel insecure around strong/smart women, nor do I feel as weak and powerless as I did when I was a child; I get to tower over them, their pretty little dresses and their non-threatening personalities and I can totally see why the world was much better in this simpler time.
I’m joking, Vince. Behave yourself.
You fucking psychopath.
#RAW
Roman Reigns and a horrendous new T-shirt start the show.
He smugly runs through his list of accolades and then says he’s going to take on the winner of Brock vs. Samoa Joe for the title at Summerslam, because this is his yard and such.
He then has a dig at “Joe” which brings out the angry Samoan and Reigns continues to poke the bear with his Gladius of Samoan Envy, so Joe sticks nut on Roman and kicks the piss out of him for a minute or so.
As per usual, Reigns won’t die and he eventually counters with a Superman Punch and sends Joe packing.
A match between the two is confirmed after the break, for later on in the show.
The Hardy Boyz vs. Gallows & Anderson
How much pain are the Hardy Boyz in just getting about?
Seriously, I see it in both their faces and whilst I appreciate their commitment, I don’t see the necessity in literally working them both into a wheelchair.
A Twist of Fate followed by a Swanton Bomb sees The Hardy Boyz to victory.
Goldust starts off sounding like he’s cutting one of The Miz’s promos, that is until he turns it into his own with mention of the lesser-spoken darker side of Hollywood.
I’m not looking forward to their upcoming match, but I’m not making a point of avoiding it like I would with their Barney the Dinosaur sing-along routine.
I’m hoping they get it over and done with on Raw next week, but I smell a best of a HUNDRED AND SEVEN series creeping up on us.
Elias Samson antagonising the crowd was good stuff again. Crack on, lad.
However, Finn Balor interrupts him and moves him along. Poor show, Finn could have at least let Samson slag the crowd off via the means of song before scaring him off.
Finn Balor vs. Bo Dallas
Bo jumps Finn before the match. As well as the commentators performing their quarter yearly ditty about Bo and his “new found aggression/mean-streak”, Bo has fucked off the art of grooming and he’s looking more and more like Brother Bray.
A groggy Finn tells the referee to start the match anyway and after he absorbs a momentary mild beating, he counter-attacks and finishes Bo off with the Coup de Grace.
Corey Graves gets fed up of Michael Cole and Booker T, so he drops his guts and leaves the announcer’s table.
We see a trailer for WWE 2K18 featuring Seth Rollins as the focus this year.
If I hadn’t seen discussion of this beforehand, I would have assumed it was Randy Orton under the balaclava with all the vandalism, arson and defecating.
Fuck sake.
Corey’s only been gone a few minutes and Booker T and Michael Cole discuss the controversial ending to the Women’s Money in the Bank match last night.
THAT WAS SMACKDOWN, THIS IS RAW. YOU’RE AT COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR EXISTENCE ON YOUR PRODUCT, LET ALONE ENCOURAGE FURTHER DEBATE ON SAID TOPIC DURING YOUR OWN AIR TIME?
*Ahem*
Corey finds a very edgy Kurt Angle backstage and he tries to have a private discussion with him.
They’re interrupted by Enzo and Cass, who demand answers on the recent muggings and have another quick dig at Corey Graves since he’s stood right there.
Seth Rollins lays an egg in the ring when he squawks on about how he’s shed his superficial/materialistic skin and then gloats about how great it/he is to be on the new video game cover.
Thankfully, Bray Wyatt appears on the Titantron and highlights Seth’s hypocrisies until Seth has a dig at Bray’s God complex.
Bray heads out to the ring and is ambushed by Seth when the lights come back on.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest at this time, Charles the Dwarf reading the same cue-card that all the interchangeable backstage robots get cock-slapped in the face with.
Anyway, she’s interviewing/standing still and holding a microphone for Finn Balor. Finn starts giving his predictions for Reigns vs. Joe before Elias Samson jumps him from behind and demands that Balor never upstage him again.
Titus O’Neil decides the next match needs his brand squirting all over it and makes the effort to give the introductions another go.
TJP vs. Akira Tozawa
Neville joins the boys at commentary and scowls for the duration of the match.
Tozawa wins with his floating senton off the top.
Titus grabs a microphone and barks on about Tozawa some more until Neville pipes up and threatens Tozawa.
Dad of the year saves the day and calls Neville a naughty little boy and kisses him on the mouth on live TV.
Well, he called him a little boy at least.
I’m enjoying the dynamic of Tozawa and Titus. It’s fun to see the panic in Tozawa’s eyes as we see him trying to work out just what the fuck is going on.
R-Truth’s promo wasn’t bad, but Goldust only challenged him an hour ago. How does he get his replies filmed, edited and aired in such short time?
Curtis Axel randomly decides to Bo-lieve in Bo Dallas again as Bo is sat sulking in the locker room.
The Miz shows up and leaves them both with food for thought as he offers them both a place beside him as his entourage.
I’m all up for this, even if I’m to play ignorant to Axel forgetting the paggering that Bo gave him not so long ago. Both guys spew talent from all their orifices, give them something to sink their teeth into.
Charles the Dwarf again, this time with Samoa Joe.
He’s long since convinced me that he’s a legitimate threat to Brock Lesnar’s title, so I’m half expecting that momentum to hit a brick wall against Reigns thanks to WWE’s general sense of humour.
Samoa Joe vs. Roman Reigns
A good match in all. The sudden appearance of an ambulance distracted everyone and the emergence of Braun Strowman caused Reigns to shit a brick, allowing Joe to lock in the Coquina Clutch and turn Reigns blue.
Afterwards, Strowman storms down to the ring (to another big pop) and knocks Roman around. He then declares he’s up for another scrap at Great Balls of Fire and challenges him to an ambulance match.
I think Vince just filled the cup!
#MizTV
The Miz has two bears AND a giant gift box awaiting as he invites Maryse to join him.
Miz brown-noses hard and presents the repaired grandfather clock from a couple of weeks ago.
Dean Ambrose wanders down the moment that Miz and Maryse kiss and make up. Dean causes Miz to knock Maryse’s drink all over her and to also send the clock toppling to the ground.
Maryse storms off once again and Dean gets the jump on the Miz. Fortunately for The Miz, the bears attack Ambrose and it’s revealed that Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel both accepted Miz’s offer from earlier and they have no problems donning a bear costume to beat a man down.
Miz being in the bad books with his Mrs has been amusing and a nice means of stirring things up during the time he’s sleeping on the couch. It looks like we’ve got a couple more weeks of Maryse partially playing the face in that act.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Titus O’Neill & Apollo Crews
Sheasaro are situated in the face corner for some reason. I know that Titus and his Titus Brand started off with heelish intentions, but the direction it’s taken has become so light hearted and comical I simply can’t bring myself to yell the usual degree of agonised, verbal rage that watching Titus’ matches typically causes.
The tag champs made light (albeit underhanded) work of Titus and Apollo. I’m so confused and I don’t know how I’m meant to feel about any of it.
Vince rubs out a quick one over the build up video package for Brock vs. Joe at Great Balls of Fire. To be fair, it was a decent video and I enjoyed it too, just not to the point of lubing up the old steroid-cured chipolata sausage.
Jojo, I’m going to stop you right there. I’m afraid that “The following contest is a women’s division match” is only a half truth as it’s THE women’s division match of the night, as in “the only women’s match”.
Sasha Banks vs. Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax
Urg. This was all just a steaming heap of dog vomit.
Congratulations, WWE, you’ve managed to further amaze me with your lack of interest in women/women’s wrestling in less than twenty four hours.
Alexa joins at commentary. Emma has an issue with Alexa and they run into the ring. Alexa hides behind Nia. Emma gets dropped by Nia and then forgets her original beef with Alexa once Sasha is down and they all team up on her.
Dana, Mickie and Bayley join the mix, just so all the lasses get a few moments on TV before Vince gets to pat them on the head/arse on their way back from the ring in a pretty, little, obedient queue of forced smiles and pleasantries.
Kurt Angle brings out Enzo and Cass, The Revival and The Big Show.
Shortly after summoning them, Kurt sends the three suspects home and says their alibis all checked out.
After we deduce that Kurt Angle knew nothing new at the start or by the end of show, Corey Graves steps up and holds his investigator’s notepad high in the sky.
Graves dissects some of Cass’ statements from the last few weeks and draws our attention to some security footage from last week.
The video show Big Cass manufacturing his attack last week.
Cass has nowhere left to run and confesses to the whole thing.
Enzo silently sheds a few tears as Cass screams years of frustration at him before putting him out of his misery with a big boot.
I think Corey just filled the cup!
I know I did.
Afterthoughts.
Nice one getting Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel involved somewhere. I’d prefer to see Bo join brother Bray in a faction, but I won’t argue against him getting some screen time where he can!
Booker T on Maryse: “Just upgrade the diamond, she’ll feel better in the morning.”
Good stuff.
When does Otunga get back? Maybe the two of you could treat yourselves and book a romantic little trip away somewhere like the vacuum of space!
It’s starting to look (to me at least) that Great Balls of Fire may essentially be Vince McMahon’s suicide note. Hopefully he’s going to neck all the viagra, speed and coke he can store behind Kevin Dunne’s teeth whilst watching the show and then proceed to violently masturbate himself and his heart into oblivion.
Fingers crossed.
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