Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
During the week.
I’ve been spending a lot of time since WrestleMania trying to gauge if I miss Brock Lesnar and the Universal Title.
The answer that I keep retuning to, is a simple NO.
I’d be perfectly happy with the Intercontinental Title being the primary title on Raw with the Cruiserweight Title being the secondary. Well, the whole Cruiserweight/205 Live mess should be over on Smackdown, but that’s a different story for another time.
I’m done with Brock; I’m sure he’ll get over it. I mentioned this a while ago now and I’m incredibly bored of him. I think it was the one sided WrestleMania match with Dean Ambrose that solidified my opinion. He’s become a one trick pony that one dimensional fans gravitate towards and I was never a fan of the Universal title anyway.
Even upon it’s launch, I was of the opinion it was excessive and it was just going to devalue any other belts on the roster/in the company.
Oh yeah, it still looks like some over the top Vajazzle for a middle-aged Stephanie McMahon.
#RAW
Recap of the Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns saga.
They made last week’s scuffle look a lot more exciting than it actually was.
Tonight: We’ve got and Intercontinental Title battle between The Miz and Dean Ambrose.
GM Kurt Angle greets us from the start. He says that Strowman’s elbow is fucked up and could be out for six months.
He goes on to announce that at Extreme Rules there will be a match to determine who gets fed to Brock Lesnar next.
Kurt ties things up and tries to leave, but Roman Reigns stops him in his tracks.
Roman plays the entitled heel this week and says there’s no need to consider other people for the title shot.
Then Finn Balor cuts HIM off.
And then Samoa Joe joins the party.
And then Bray teleports into the ring, which looked really nice.
And then Seth shows up and heads for Joe.
And then they all get their stuff in and Balor looks the strongest at the end.
And then and then and then and then.
Kurt breaks up Finn, Seth and Roman in the locker room. He then books Finn vs. Reigns and Seth vs. Bray Wyatt for later in the show.
Jeff Hardy (w/Brother Matt) vs. Sheamus (w/Cesaro)
I feel bad that the Hardy Boyz are taking their weekly bumps on TV when they should be preserved a little, but I suppose they need to get over that they can still go if need be and Sheasaro’s heel persona desired some air time too.
Swanton Bomb FTW.
Sasha Banks vs. Alicia Fox (w/Noam Dar)
In a surprising turn of events, Foxy hits her Scissors Kick on an over-confident Sasha to score an upset victory.
#ICTITLE
Dean Ambrose (c.) vs. The Miz (w/Maryse)
Why the fuck wasn’t this the main event?
Well, I suppose it could have been because the finish consisted of Ambrose blocking Miz’s attempt at a low blow and countered with his own. But I don’t think that would have been the worse finish to a show in the world.
Dean’s obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer and forgot that Miz only played that card because Maryse had the referee distracted. Dean’s cock-shot was spotted and he was DQ’d because of it. This ensured that he kept his title of course.
It was a little screwy, but I don’t think it would have been the worst finish to a Monday Night Raw ever.
Charles the Dwarf interviews Finn the Lego Loving Leprechaun.
Tacky as fuck, t’ be sure!
Alexa Bliss takes a piss all over the local crowd.
I’m glad that WWE went the way they did and gave her the accolade of being the “first” to have won both Raw and Smackdown’s belt, but can we use The New Day’s Time Machine and replace Charlotte’s post-NXT run with Alexa instead?
Bliss is one of the best heels on either roster, she’s so much more fluid on the microphone, she’s great with bitch-slapping a rowdy live crowd (opposed to Charlotte just putting her hands over her ears in panic when she doesn’t know what to do), her facials are better than Charlotte’s pouting goldfish impression and she’s a hell of a lot better in the ring than her too!
Bayley marches down to the ring and the lasses begin throwing hands.
Bayley gets the better of the confrontation, knocking Bliss to the outside, so Bliss grabs a kendo stick and belts Bayley with it.
For some reason, this is enough to incapacitate Bayley for the foreseeable future and Alexa gives us a smug pose.
The Miz and Maryse piss and moan to Kurt Angle about Dean Ambrose getting himself DQ’d to retain his title. Angle proposes a rematch at Extreme Rules and agrees instead that the title will change hands if there is a disqualification.
The Drifter strums a little and then wanders off on his way.
#BeachBallWankers?
Neville & TJP vs. Austin Aries & Jack Gallagher.
Despite the crowd trying to ruin yet another Neville match, all four guys put on a great showing and proved that they would work well being chucked into the show anywhere, not just exclusively working with other Cruiserweights.
In the end, TJP defeated Gallagher with the Detonation Kick.
The lads at the table plug the next month of the WWE Network and detail what you get as part of your thirty day free trial.
I’m reminded of two things that are very evident during this segment and have been a constant annoyance for some time now.
1: WWE don’t give a shit if you pay for the Network or not. They make plenty from all the adverts they ram in and between their shows. Meaning, as long as you’re signed up, they’re happy. I haven’t heard them mention how much the damn thing costs in what feels like years now.
2: Michael Cole’s robotic persona obviously needs to be hidden, at least just visually. The way these portions of the show are shot do nothing but show how manufactured Cole and the WWE product are.
While Corey’s still talking about NXT, you can actually see Cole stood waiting to catch the ball so he can bleat on about his thing even though he tries to transition from what his colleagues are currently talking about. Someone that has the most experience in WWE with the talking ends up having the least natural sounding conversation and it makes him look/sound daft (as I’ve noted before, not always his fault) and he looks like a prick that doesn’t care what anyone around him has to say.
Kurt tries to help Bayley out by dropping the Extreme Rules element from her title rematch. Bayley objects and says she wants revenge. Kurt noticed that Bayley can only handle one shot with the stick before becoming useless in a fight, so he makes it a kendo stick on a pole match.
Either that or I made that last part up and it’s definitive proof that the WWE don’t care so much for the ladies by giving them a shitty match stipulation.
Goldust & R-Truth again, yawn. Goldust says they need to get back on the horse and keep on trying. I was hoping they were announcing their retirement and that they’d meet every Monday for a round of golf instead. No joy there then.
Finn Balor vs. Roman Reigns
Finn waits in the ring while we see the exact same Strowman vs. Roman package (calm down, Vince not that kind of package) that opened up the show……IN ITS ENTIRETY!
Once again, the same people that boo’d the shit out of Reigns earlier, were applauding his efforts by the end of the match once they forgot they were trying to play the part of “dickhead crowd member”.
A quality match came to a close when Reigns knocked Balor off the top and followed up with a spear.
The lights go out and it’s time for Bray Wyatt’s generic, gibberish promo.
Please do/say something new or leave me alone.
Nyaaaaaar, Seth Rollins squawks on to Charles the Dwarf. He obviously claims that he’s going to win at Extreme Rules and also against Bray later on.
*cheer*
Finally, Goldust turns on R-Truth and puts an end to their horrid brand of sing along theme songs.
I always thought his persona was better leaning more towards Buffalo Bill than Big Gay Al.
The fuck?
We’re relieved of The Golden Truth’s serving of dog shit and instead that’s instantly replaced with a plate full of Enzo and Cass branded cat shit…………yeah, the extra corny variety.
I was actually hoping Cass was going to take a page out of Goldust’s book and drop Enzo where he stood.
Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews turn up instead and Titus mocks the E&C2 script and puts his own spin on it. He’s actually not as painful to watch when he’s not wrestling or taking himself seriously.
Saying that though, it appears that Titus made a mistake in the booking and it’s not Apollo vs. Enzo that’s coming up after the break.
Titus O’Neil (w/Apollo Crews) vs. Big Cass (w/Enzo Amore)
A.K.A.
Clunky vs. Sloppy.
A.K.A.
Giant Drunk Baby vs. Tall-man Two Moves.
A.K.A.
Thank fuck it only lasted a minute and Titus went down after getting hit by a big boot.
Enzo was acting like a proper bell-end once the bell rung, so Apollo showed some character and booted him in the back of the head as he tried to take a photo of himself and a KO’d Titus.
Neville and TJP plug 205 Live tomorrow night.
*ahem*
I mean, Neville and TJP discus Austin Aries and the weakened state of his knee and how easy it would be for them to finish him off once and for all.
STOP FUCKING TALKING AND PATTING YOURSELVES ON THE BACK DURING BRAY’S ENTRANCE YOU MORONIC ATMOSPHERE-SPOILING CUNTS.
No-one but you cares where you’ve just been on your holiday/European tour. Let me try to enjoy and get sucked into the alternate reality created by Bray Wyatt and your theatrics team.
It’s hard enough to get behind Bray when he has near to no follow through with his claims to victory and he fails to recruit people into his cult, so please stop stepping on his balls during his intro as it’s one of the things I love about him.
Bray Wyatt vs. Seth Rollins
The match looks like it could go either way until Samoa Joe assaults Seth to get Bray DQ’d.
Afterwards, Bray and Joe stomp the snot out of Seth for a while.
And then Bray marks his territory by hitting Joe and then Seth with a Sister Abigail each.
Afterthoughts.
MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND ABOUT ROMAN REIGNS!
One week he’s an arrogant, entitled dickhead causing the announce team to vomit disgust all over the table and the next he’s saving Kalisto from Bran Strowman whilst Michael Cole vigorously masturbates into his favourite long-sleeved Shield t-shirt.
Pick one and stick with it, it’s not fucking difficult!
We had two co-main events, neither of which was the Intercontinental Championship match.
The WWE really should put a little more shine on that belt if they want to keep the Universal Title off of TV and continue to claim the IC title is an important part of WWE history and an important belt for any pro-wrestler.
Lastly, I’m hoping the fact that Samoa Joe didn’t really make much impact during the initial lead-up show to the Fatal 5-Way is an attempt to tell me he’s winning that bad boy!
Like I mentioned at the top of this, I’m not fussed about seeing Brock again, but I reckon Joe vs. Brock would be the most entertaining of all the potential opponents.
Digest and discuss! Please feel free to do so below or via Twitter.
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