Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
During the week.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking how fast all of these Pay-per-views/Network specials sneak up from behind and how we’re not given much time to look forward to things anymore.
Maybe WWE only want to build anticipation for their bigger events, which I understand, but surely this takes something away from their “lesser shows”.
I personally enjoyed the build up to the Royal Rumble. I think there were six weeks to build up to it and by the time it came around I was chomping at the bit. Yeah, I know the ending sucked a massive set of balls, but I enjoyed the show overall.
Money in the Bank is just about here and since this isn’t one of the big four events, there’s been much less time to get me hyped up for it.
The MITB match itself leads onto a key plot device that can loom for an entire year, it also adds a great element to the overall story that WWE are telling at the time. I’m saddened to see the glow it once had dimmed not only by it being “just another PPV”, but now they’ve given the women their own version of it too.
I’m all up for the women having their own MITB match in general, I just feel it’s a waste when the talent in the match are also the only remaining un-booked female talent on the roster. It’s like MITB has just become yet another mechanism to bring out all the lady-meat at once.
#RAW
A huge pop welcomes Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman who start the show. Paul E shits all over Samoa Joe for attacking him last week.
Samoa Joe marches down to ringside and he can’t wait to get in Brock’s face. They start-a scrapping and the crowd goes mental!
Kurt Angle appears and summons some backup to break it up. The rent-a-cops get ruined in seconds and the referees all short-circuit in a flood of piss and tears. Here’s the part where they empty the locker room to pull them apart. I’m not sure how long ago it was we last saw this with Brock and Undertaker, but I don’t think it was THAT long ago.
While Brock is restrained in the ring, Joe hits a sneaky super kick to the face and then he’s dragged to the back.
Perfect! I was expecting WWE to decide to turn Joe into a chicken-shit heel last minute and have him dodge Brock, but having them run at each other whilst wind-milling their arms and fists on a level with a child trying to take off in flight was a fantastic way to start the show and to present both guys.
Elias Samson vs. Dean Ambrose
The Miz tries to distract Ambrose when he looks near to closing. Samson fails to roll-up Ambrose after this, but Ambrose rushes back in the ring to beat the ten count and is caught off guard and dropped by Samson.
I’m still enjoying the more serious Goldust material, keep it up.
Kurt Angle hounds The Miz for answers backstage. Miz blames Kurt for not sorting out Dean Ambrose and asks him what he’s going to do about him. Kurt tells Miz that he has to deal with Dean Ambrose himself.
We’re shown a video package reminding us who Cedric Alexander is.
This leads into a backstage segment with Alexander, Noam Dar and Alicia Fox. Foxy is gobbing off over the phone.
Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar (w/Alicia Fox via mobile phone and Titantron)
Once Dar finally gets off the phone with his bag for life, he runs straight into the Lombard Check and the match is over.
Dire, turgid shite.
#GiveCruiserweightsAChance
Roman Reigns gets a pretty cool looking/sounding video package making him look really strong!
And then we’re informed that he’s got an announcement regarding SummerSlam that he’ll address next week.
I really like the look of Bray Wyatt on the Titantron with lighting supplied solely by the fireflies. Bray then whispers that he’s here and he blows out a lantern that I guarantee will somehow reignite in the seconds before he walks through the curtain.
For some reason his jittery visual hijackery still includes shots of Randy Orton. Probably just the work of a sexy smiled troll in the back.
As per usual, Bray continues waffling shit once he gets in the ring. Eventually he talks about Seth Rollins badmouthing him last week.
Seth flies down to the ring and gets in Bray’s face, this causes Bray to flee from any potential danger via the means of teleporting back onto the Titantron, looking as tough as always.
Charles the Dwarf is backstage with The Hardy Boyz. Matt looks and sounds like he’s been to the repair shop and he’s reverted back to his persona from about fifteen years ago.
I’m hoping this forced grin of positivity and determination from The Hardy Boyz is just the premise to them becoming broken.
July 4th sees the return of John Cena to Smackdown. I get the idea that I’m supposed to be excited for this.
Have you guessed that I couldn’t care less?
Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews (w/Titus O’Neil)
Crews wins with his Spinning Sit-out Powerbomb, he didn’t even need any help from Titus.
Titus has been trying to get Akira Tozawa on board the Titus Train and arranged for him to be seated on the front row. I’m not sure why he couldn’t have just walked from the back or joined commentary, other than someone being concerned that he’d do a better job at it than Booker T and David Otunga combined.
After the match, Titus picks Tozawa up like a kid over the barricade and into the ring. I’m liking that Tozawa is branching out from exclusively interacting with folk from 205 Live, even if it inevitably means that he ends up just being the Titus Brands’ representative for the Cruiserweights and nothing more.
This is maybe not a total step in the right direction, but at least someone’s putting their shoes on the right feet before trying to take a step in the right direction.
The Miz attempts to seduce Heath Slater into his entourage, but Slater declines and starts to eye up Miz’s Intercontinental Title instead while Rhyno eyes up the plate of crackers that distracts him from pile-driving women through tables.
After Miz insults both of them for a bit, Rhyno instructs that Miz finds himself a partner for a tag match later on.
Oh my.
That’s horrible!
I can’t believe they’d do that OR show that.
I know WWE often take the time to showcase how some of the most incredibly unfortunate human beings on this planet are also wrestling fans, but this one actually hit me pretty hard.
Seriously though, poor bastards.
Although I appreciate them taking the bullet for my numerous accidental competition entries, I must offer my condolences to the family that had to spend an entire day with Enzo and Cass at Universal Studios.
Something tells me they don’t have the suicide booths from Futurama on site there either.
Alexa Bliss gloats about defending her title against Nia Jax last week, even though she was forced into it. This brings Nia out and Alexa rapidly back peddles on her previous statement, saying she meant to say privileged instead of forced and blaming the lasses that were at ringside for the match ending the way that it did.
Things don’t look like they’re going to end well for Little Miss Bliss as Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax is getting ready to chomp her in half.
Fear not, for it is the WWE, which means that all women are bi-polar, schizophrenic, ego-megalomaniacal messes that will do illogical and/or random shit at the drop of a hat.
Mickie James and Dana Brooke then wander out which (spoiler alert) eventually causes the segment with Jax and Bliss becoming best buds again.
Mickie puts Alexa in her place and then Emma shows up. People’s previous feelings begin to dissipate as the girls stand with their face/heel counterparts at opposite ends of the ring.
Sasha Banks dry-humps her way down the ramp to the dripping, wet spotlight situated there. She mouths off at Alexa and lamps her in the face.
#12BoobyTagTeamMatch
“Just chuck ’em all together in one match again, that’ll do.”
– WWE Creative (Nineteen-Ninety-ALL THE FUCKING TIME!)
Bliss gets bored midway through and walks away. Sasha makes Emma tap to the Bank Statement.
Welcome back again, Emma. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to book you one day.
</sarcasm>
Finn Balor gets a turn to have a video package shown. This was another nice way to keep Finn fresh in our minds without over exposing him in the ring/on camera if they had nothing for him.
Corey Graves interviews Bayley to discuss her loss at Extreme Rules and her inability to get her hands dirty by striking Alexa Bliss with the kendo stick.
Bayley plays her John Cena/I’m gunna be me/live your dream cover song and makes Corey look and feel rather uncomfortable before leaving.
This is just awful. End this lame, irritating insanity.
If you want to do something interesting with Bayley and make her bat shit crazy at the same time, have Bray Wyatt approach her, touch her and tell her to wake up. It could be explained in many ways by Bray that she’s been sleeping as a normal person for a plethora of reasons, it could also explain why she behaves like she may have been dropped as a child.
In my honourable opinion, she would make a fantastic Sister Abigail and it would give her something a hell of a lot more creative to enjoy instead of just smiling, bright colours and hugs.
Fuck it! Keep the hugs in there! Nothing says crazy like a bird that stinks of Baileys, swamp and meth that craves a slow, narrated, uncomfortable hug from you.
I honestly wouldn’t care if Bayley got bumped back down to NXT tomorrow and it’s a shame because not only is she talented, but she’s been a fan for a while and I think she gets it enough to pull off a makeover from the Wyatt’s wardrobe and the occasional Demon Balor crawl to the ring.
#MakeAMoment
Titus O’Neil says “it only takes a moment, to make a moment”. One’s to assume he’s referring to that time he kissed his son on the mouth live on PPV.
Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. The Miz & Miz-Bear (w/Maryse)
Corey Graves hilariously puts over the bear at the start of the match, but the whole table turn to dad-jokes and puns about bears soon after. Miz assumes it’s Ambrose in disguise and refuses to tag him. Miz jumps the bear and beats him down outside the ring and reveals that it’s not Deano.
A different bear then enters the ring, hits Slater with Dirty Deeds and waits for The Miz to turn around to humiliate him once again.
Somewhere backstage, Renee Young just flooded her basement.
WWE actually allowed Ambrose to wear a bear suit live on television! He didn’t shag anyone/anything yet, but he hit Miz with Dirty Deeds, put the mask on him and left.
I’m guessing he’s off to find where Renee has hidden herself whilst covered in honey.
Neville vs. Rich Swann
Before the bell, Neville jumped Swann as he was still dancing his way into the ring. A quick beat-down ends with Neville stretching Swann out with the Rings of Saturn, reminding us of his dominance.
He adds that Akira Tozawa may have had his death warrant signed earlier by Titus O’Neil tweeting about Tozawa being the next Cruiserweight champion.
Charles the Dwarf again. This time she’s with Sheasaro.
Enzo & Cass vs. Gallows & Anderson
Cass was jumped again this week and stumbles down to the ring with Enzo and starts the match. After Cass tags out, Anderson knocks him off the apron.
Enzo falls to the Magic Killer.
After the match, Enzo is saved from further harm by the appearance of The Big Show. Big Cass looks on hurt and confused.
R-Truth, sigh.
Enzo catches up with Big Show and asks if he’s involved in the assaults on Big Cass. Big Show sees through Enzo’s fear and figures out it’s Cass asking the questions through Enzo.
Big Show calls Big Cass a pussy, but in a passive aggressive manner incorrectly spelling the word soft.
Not Tom Philips asks Samoa Joe if anything’s changed after his scuffle with Brock at the start of the show. Joe isn’t sweating it at all and cuts a convincing promo.
FUCK OFF!
They play the exact same video package of Roman Reigns that they played earlier.
STOP FORCE FEEDING ME THIS SHITE! I reluctantly gave it a try earlier on and tried to say nice things about it, don’t push your fucking luck!
We’re reminded again that Roman has a big announcement to make for SummerSlam; I’ve got an idea.
#RomanRetires
#2OutOf3Falls
The Hardy Boyz vs Sheamus & Anderson
A Brogue Kick to Jeff as he attempts to jump up onto the corner gets the first fall.
Matt hits Cesaro with a Twist of Fate to even the score.
A double count out is decides the third fall and Sheasaro retain.
Afterthoughts.
I’m not against Sheamus and Cesaro continuing their reign as champions, the ending to the main event just seemed rushed and sloppy. I know you wish to prolong this feud for a little longer, but you didn’t have to just throw your hands up and give up at the end there.
I’m even more excited than I was after last week’s Raw for the Brock vs. Joe match now. They didn’t hurt Joe’s credibility, Brock’s well pissed off and they furthered the plot (in my mind at least) to have Heyman drop Brock and move onto Joe.
Good stuff!
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