Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
During The Week.
I have begun compiling a list of WWE employees that I’ve observed demonstrating signs that they don’t necessarily have a good time at work.
I know most people’s jobs suck a massive pair of balls, but I would suggest anyone to get out of a shit job/situation while they still could, especially if they started to show signs of the levels of deterioration that I’ve noticed.
More to come soon on this!
#RAW
All but one of the lasses are in the ring with an empty podium awaiting their new champion.
Alexa Bliss starts working her way through everyone in the ring, verbally of course. She almost forgets about taking the piss out of Bayley since she’s having so much fun.
Upon doing so, Bayley flips the podium like a child flipping their school desk and Bliss lands flat on her arse.
*ANGRY CAT NOISES*
They all start scrapping.
#8VaginaTagMatch
Bayley, Mickie James, Dana Brooke & Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss, Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax, Alicia Fox & Emma
Bliss dodges harm for the majority of the match, but she picks her moment and manages to put Bayley down with her DDT.
After Payback: Strowman continued his assault on an “injured” Roman Reigns. However, Roman managed to muster a little fight and fend off Braun. So now it’s being reported that they’re both damaged after their match.
They couldn’t just let Roman look slightly vulnerable for a whole twenty four hours, could they?
Wankers.
Bozo and Big Spaz (see, we can all make weak, juvenile adjustments to people’s names) read through their merchandise rap and are jumped by Gallows and Anderson.
Enzo Amore (w/Big Cass) vs. Luke Gallows (w/Karl Anderson)
Anderson causes a distraction, Cass and Enzo both fall for it, Gallows wins.
Faces be dumb.
Neville and TJ Perkins continue to conspire and chew the fat in the locker room. Perkins has a match with Austin Aries later and Neville emphasises that he can only help out to a certain extent.
Perkins is much more tolerable in this role, even though he’s now meant to be an antagonist.
Did you know: Everyone’s penis is tiny compared to Vince McMahon’s!
*laughs*
Only joking. This is quite possibly the root of a lot of his issues and people that can, need to stop enabling him.
Seth Rollins arrives (Michael Cole catches the load in his mouth again). He tries his best to get the last few stragglers within the WWE Universe to like him. I’ve heard the best response already to this and I’m going to share.
To quote our lass:
“Seth, I can’t relate to you. You’re a bird of prey”.
Enough said.
Seth says he’s got nothing left to do but to face The Beast for the Universal Championship, but this brings out Finn Balor (who says he never lost the belt), Dean Ambrose (who has a dig at Brock Lesnar’s lack of appearances) and then The Miz and Maryse.
Miz acts like a whiny bitch, Ambrose does something wacky and a match is made for later on tonight; The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor to determine the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship.
It seems they’re just fucking off Brock Lesnar and the Universal Title then. Good.
Recap of Strowman/Reigns. Yawn.
THE Brian Kendrick, Tony Nese & Noam Dar vs. Akira Tozawa, Rich Swann & Jack Gallagher.
Gallagher gets the pinfall for his team after delivering the Gentleman’s Drop-kick to THE Brian Kendrick.
During the match, Michael Cole’s tail pops out again at the sight of all the sexy, little flippy bastards.
Recap of Hardy Boyz winning and Sheasaro turning heel at Payback.
Bad-ass Sheasaro are here and they’re heading to the ring.
Oh no, it’s the birth of The League of Nations 2.
The lads piss and moan about the Hardy Boyz stealing their moment at WrestleMania. They go on to cut a pretty good promo, blaming the fans/Cesaro section for forgetting about them due to a momentary spurt of ‘membering the past.
Out come the Hardys, vocalised by Matt.
Hmmmm, I’d rather them just let Jeff do the talking for now. Un-Broken Matt Hardy dialogue doesn’t seem to flow well from the mouth. I’d prefer Matt to lurk in the shadows and offer the odd DELIGHTFUL contribution for the time being.
They charge down to the ring and Sheasaro cheese it.
Okay. This is either me being a total catty bitch or I’m just evidently way out of touch with fashion and that, but Charles the Dwarf looks like she’s just got out the shower, catching up on (insert popular female viewed TV show here) and brushing her teeth before bed.
She certainly doesn’t look like she’s at work, conducting an interview and making the level of effort she usually does.
Anyway, Dean Ambrose turns up, does something zany and scares of The Miz and Maryse.
That…..
Is……
Awesome…..
I don’t know if it’s new or if I’ve just never noticed it before, but the above ground pool on the ramp for Heath Slater is fantastic.
Hats off for that one.
Heath Slater (w/Rhyno) vs. Apollo Crews (w/Titus O’Neil)
I feel like an abhorrent, despicable, dirty human being for what I’m about to type in regard to this match.
It shouldn’t come down to a globe with two colours fighting for attention, nor should anything boil down to name calling and belittlement, but I’m going to have to go there and I’m very sorry.
From what I could see, some bell-end in the crowd decided to be a clever cunt and repeat something they saw on TV and #BeachBallMania was running wild once again.
I’m mortified to say this, but I agree that if I’d been in the crowd, it would have been a far more interesting sight than seeing Apollo Crews defeat Heath Slater thanks to “the help” of Titus O’Neil.
Kurt Angle joins us. He says that Braun and Roman are still hungry for more and he’s been working on dealing with the situation. He assures us that he’s not overlooking the danger they pose to people around them too.
Bray Wyatt cuts him off. I’m very conflicted with this segment. The mood, lighting and setting were done brilliantly, I was drawn into this world where the smartly dressed GM was going about his business, an umbra cloud appeared and Bray Wyatt scuttled out of it to converse.
The thumbs down is brought about because Wyatt takes forever to get to his point of…………
Actually, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a point. I mean, he asked Kurt if he was with him or against him, but Kurt deflected, didn’t answer and we didn’t establish anything.
At least they’re consistent in making Bray’s actions and words pointless I suppose. It’s just a shame it makes him come off more a sufferer of dementia than of delusion.
Sethy-poo redundantly puts on his wrist tape again. Dean Ambrose knows the score and pops in for a word since he’s been having such a chuckle playing interviewer. They prod the dead horse that was The Shield a bit and it looks like this bridge won’t be as easy to fix as making Chris Jericho a new jacket.
Corey gets a flawless victory against the Xyxol catchphrase on the third attempt. You can hear the smugness in Michael Cole’s voice afterwards.
Fuck off! He’s a wrestling commentator and an incredible one at that; despite his short career. You’re the soulless, slippery salesman wanker that’s programmed to regurgitate all these stupid slogans and un-witty hooks.
Austin Aries vs. TJ Perkins
Perkins works Aries’ knee for the duration, meaning Aries had to crawl his way to tapping Perkins with the Last Chancery. Perkins tears Aries’ knee off after the match with his Knee-bar.
Ambrose offers Finn Balor the chance to speak before the triple threat match. Ambrose is passed by The Drifter and he requests some Pearl Jam.
Denied!
Awwwwww. I thought Strowman killed The Golden Truth a couple of weeks ago. They were spotted asking Kurt Angle for a shot at the tag titles.
Bad times.
We then see the pre-filmed Fakebook page’s presentation of The Goodbye of Jericho.
Goodbye, man.
#1Contender
Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins vs. The Miz
Once I finally finished screaming “MIZ, IT’S NO DQ, YOU’RE A FUCKING HEEL AND THE TWO FACES ARE DISTRACTED FIGHTING EACH OTHER. WHAT’S STOPPING YOU GRABBING A CHAIR AND BATTERING THE PISS OUT OF BOTH OF THEM?!?!?!” at my TV, I enjoyed what was a great triple threat match.
Samoa Joe appeared and took out Seth, despite Finn almost wiping out Rollins as they fucked up a top rope spot earlier in the match.
When it looked like Finn has The Miz right where he wanted him, Bray Wyatt spawned behind Finn and launched him off the top and killed him with Sister Abigail.
Bray’s entrance looked good, it was fast, teleporty and I didn’t once have to convince myself the producers are seasoned professionals.
Miz crawls over a KO’d Finn Balor to steal the win and the shot at the Intercontinental Title.
Afterthoughts.
I’ll just come out with it, that was the best main event on Raw that I can remember for a long arse time! Keep putting matches on at the end of Raw and I’ll continue to go home with at least half a smile on my face.
I said I was done with Brock a while back now and I always said the Universal Title was one title too many. Can we just let Brock keep that one and tell him to stay at home?
I’d be happy with the IC belt being the tallest prize on Raw, while the WWE Championship and US Title remain on Smackdown.
Raw has the Cruiserweight, Women’s and Tag Team titles to support it too, so it’s not like the show has a shortage of prizes on offer. The “main” belt being on Smackdown however, would just give it that extra bit of pulling power that they miss out on when throwing everything and the kitchen sink at Raw.
The US Title picture appears to be permanently booked as “I want/I’ve got this belt because I love America” or “I want/I’ve got this belt because I fucking hate you stupid yank bastards!” and the WWE Title can follow anything from something pedestrian such as proving you’re the better man, to desecrating a grave and burning a cottage!
Digest and discuss! Please feel free to do so below or via Twitter.
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“#8VaginaTagMatch”
Really?? I’m the furthest thing away from a feminist, don’t take it like that, but that just comes off as plain and lazy.
I really enjoy your writing, but is it really necessary to overwhelm the reader with so much profanity? Especially that one feels like one of the many attempts at smartass remarks I’ve seen in your posts. Albeit it’s a rant, so you can literally write whatever you want, but maybe tone it down a little bit.
I say what I see. There’s a small chance that I’m not actually as much of a sexist pig that I appear to be.
I’m in total support of giving women as much of a spotlight as the guys (especially the hard-working and talented lasses), but the WWE aren’t of the same opinion I’m afraid.
They simply want to showcase the lovely lady bits that they employ while claiming they’re promoting equal rights and being applauded for their efforts.
This is exactly the type of thing that triggers me and my profane (yet fantastic) use of the English language.
No promises on dialling anything down I’m afraid. I can try and make a point of not aiming any at you directly/personally, but that’s about it.
Thanks again for your support and feedback. It’s always appreciated.