Thanks for joining me.

Today I’m going to be talking about mobile/cell/smartphones, how you can get the most out of them and I’ll even go as far as offering you FIVE TIPS on doing so.  Well, some people won’t need much guidance from me, but I suspect many people will and that’s why you’re here/asking for a friend.

Now, before you misunderstand, I’m not talking about anything technical within your phone.  I’ve got nothing to offer you on improving your phone’s speed or storage capabilities.

What I do have something to say on, regards how some folk allow these wonderfully handy little buggers to (more often than not) get in their way, make them miserable and sometimes even make them look like proper fools in front of the whole world!

Listen up! Apologies (empty ones) if you were expecting 100% pro-wrestling content…

 

Tip 1: Hold it against your fucking ear!

No one else wants to hear any of that, no one thinks you’re awesome or important because you’ve taken a phone call in public and no one has any time for someone that’s daft enough to hold the microphone part of a communication device AWAY from their mouth, to then shout at it in a frustrated manner when the conversation gets quieter.“South Park did it, South Park did it!”

Yes, I’m well aware that my point has already been made by others; Cartman’s anti-social personality presents this poor phone behaviour spot-on in the first episode of South Park’s 17th season.

All this time though and plenty of people still do this and plenty of people get pissy with me when I join in on their public conference calls at the bus stop.

 

Tip 2: Don’t text and walk.

In case you’re going to try and argue this one, stop right now and be thankful none of these were you.

If your answer was “I don’t text, I FakeBook” (or something similar), then you’re not just as bad, but worse.  Your attention is caught deeper in what’s going on on your screen and you’re less likely to look up to watch where you’re going and more likely to walk into traffic, instead of maybe just a wall.  Behave.

 

Tip 3: Put it down when Idle.

If you’ve finished doing what you set out to do (a call, tweet or text), put the damn thing down and out of the way.  It shouldn’t be hard for you to engage in something else in your life that doesn’t revolve around staring at something in anticipation of it may be happening.

It’s almost like people WANT to suffer from anxiety, constantly staring/scrolling down that eternal waterfall of eye popcorn.  The world’s not going to end if something doesn’t get a reply (or even noticed) within 30 seconds, put it aside and crack on with something else.

You’ll be alerted when it happens too; that’s what the notifications are for, so you can get on with your fucking life, make eye contact with people and notice the things around you.

It’s also a great way to stop your friends from thinking you’re an ignorant shite-stain when they’ve invited you around and you’ve just ignored me-erm, them for hours.

 

Tip 4: Leave Your Kids Alone & Get a Life.

It’s YOUR phone/profile page/personal-life (or lack thereof), not your child’s.  Stop exposing them to the world in place of doing or saying something of actual fucking interest!  They’re not supposed to be your literal poster-children!

Oh! Here we go…Yeah, I know, I know.

I’m a dickhead for telling you how to behave with/around your kids and you need to get it out of your system.  Go on, it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time that I’ve been told my opinion on human behaviour isn’t valid because I’m yet to make my own small humans.

</yawning>

Done?… Good.

Now, time to hear some observations made by someone that isn’t emotionally attached to your irresponsibility, your selfishness or your bullshit; nor will excuses be made in order to avoid rocking the boat.

I understand that having your child(ren) caught in a group photo at an event/gathering may be hard to avoid and that some people are indeed responsible enough to take pictures to store privately, but I’ve also seen people publicly post some…

REALLY STUPID SHIT:

• Pictures of their kids in their school uniform (name of school clearly visible).
• Talk of school timetables with teacher’s names and minute by minute guides to where and when their kids will be.
• Holiday snaps of them barely dressed on the beach.
• Photos and names of close friends/family members that could be used negatively.
• Lists of the child’s favourite things/toys/hobbies; all the better to entice you with, my dear.
• Photos of their children on their dating site profile (Ewwww).

I don’t think there’s much more to be said if you’re guilty of any of the above items, other than to dial it down, please.  I know you probably meant well (okay, maybe not the smutty dating sites), but you have to admit that it can become rather reckless and dangerous.

 

Tip 5: You’re not Steven Spielberg

Historically, back when we were stuck with video cameras that resembled an X-Box with a peep-hole and a handle, the person who would be filming a wedding or gathering, etc., would have typically drawn the short straw, or be earning/repaying some kind of favour to provide this ball-ache of a service.

This is because the person assigned with that task would generally feel like they’d missed out on the majority of the event, due to watching it through the camera with one eye or staring at that little credit card-sized screen for the duration, not being able to live in that moment and not being able to converse with anyone in any kind of natural manner.

Nowadays, when people go and watch something live and in person, they volunteer to lessen their experience by holding their phone out in front of their (and others’) view in order to show additional people where they’ve been and what they’ve done, supposedly.

This has the ability to spoil many different events, such as music concerts, comedy shows, sports events and as Chris Broad has criticised more than once, even the atmosphere of Japanese temples in cities.I’ve always believed that “Those who quietly do, do. Those who say they do, often don’t.”

What have you really seen or done through that screen on your phone?

Did you honestly have a richer experience than those you’re trying to make jealous or convince that you’re cool?

No…you didn’t. Keep it in your pocket when you’re at a live show.  Absorb your environment with your senses while you’re there as you can watch a shitty, muffled video anytime online; hell, you could probably find one to watch outside before the show and then enjoy the real-life variation that much more.

As well as many musicians and comedians such as A Perfect Circle and Chris Rock being very vocal about their stance on this (to the point of banning phones at their shows), it appears I’ve also got the backing of a very unlikely ally.

So, the first 3 fans above were giving Brock (who was portraying a Villain/heel at the time) all their attention, while the last fan was not; she was watching Brock through her phone for the majority of the interaction and then pulled it towards her instead of putting it away…Brock wasn’t having any of it and ignored her for it.

Enough said, I say.  Do as the big-lad says, or he’ll snub you on camera…and possibly devour you when it’s turned off!

Digest and discuss! Feel free to do so below or via Twitter

Sources & Further reading:

Problematic Smartphone Use and Its Relationship to Anxiety and Depression – Anxiety.org

STFU Parents Blog – A blog providing an entertaining (yet alarming) alternative view from the side of the fence NOT bombarding the internet with 24/7 live coverage of their kids in the hope for attention.

A Perfect Circle Banned Phones at Their Gig & I Loved It – Metal Hammer

Chris Rock forces fans to lock up their phones before gigs on UK tour – NME

All the annoyingly inconsiderate phone users I’ve ever encountered – They’re Outside!

 

-Background Artwork designed by Rachael Hope Media.

 

Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you again soon!